In this section I’ve reproduced the suicide note from Tsgt. Twitchy. In it he notes that he that he “stared at his rifle a very long time.” It should be noted here that the rifle in question is a fully automatic M-16 rifle with a 20 round magazine, our standard issue weapon.
Although there are many tormented souls in this world, many of them are close to us, I don’t think that we would want them in a position protecting High Priority resources and VIP’s like the President of the United States. Especially not when they have the power of life and death in their hands and the authority to use it.
Read on and form your own opinion.
Dear God,
July 20th, 1989.
I’ve tried the best I know how to do what is right or wrong and yet I feel as if I’m slowly drowning and I can’t find the shore. I’m so terribly confused and I don’t know where to turn. I love my wife so very much and yet I feel as if I’d rather have her leave. I want so much to be a good husband and father but now she has decided that she’s rather have a career than a family. Every time I try to communicate my feelings about the subject she says “we’re not going to talk about that again, are we?” It’s like she has the only say in the matter. Then she says we should adopt. I personally feel she doesn’t want me around. I know that I married her too young and that she’s probably growing away from me and I can accept that if it would just happen. Yet when we talk of such things she says that she loves me to much to leave me.
Then there’s my job. You know how I’ve been in past jobs. I start out \trying very hard and I usually slow down when I think that I’ve got it good. Then when I least expect it, they lower the boom on me and I might as well leave because they will never trust me again. Well, this job has been so mush different. I came to this job knowing I could do it just fine and I began to work hard. I knew I could make something for myself and for others and once in my life I had a goal. I got here and there were obstacles of course but I got by each one of them with little trouble. Then it started to feel like I was riding to the top. I worked harder and studied more than I ever had before. I made good friends with the boss and I admit he really helped me get going on the right track.
Just when things were going the way that I expected, all of a sudden things started going against me. The job I really wanted was given to someone else that I really felt didn’t deserve it. I worked hard to show my supervisors that I could handle that job and that I would be the right person for it. But as luck would have it I couldn’t convince them of it. Now I sit and watch this person make dreadful mistakes each and every day and he keeps getting away with it. And what makes me madder and madder is that he knows he’s doing wrong and so do they and they let him do it anyway. And if that’s not bad enough there are always those that came here to get a free hand out. They said they wanted a job, but when they got here they just stayed to get paid and milk the system. They constantly cause trouble. they cheat and lie and constantly cause trouble. We catch them doing it and they still get away with it.
What about the good people? They work their butts off and don’t get recognized for a thing. Why won’t the boss do something about it before they get ruined just as I am? Why does he constantly let others haze them when they are the ones that support him so. They’re the ones that are really making this place work. And then there’s her. You know the one I’m talking about. I’ve really fallen in love like I’ve never have before.Well, there was Karla. And you know how I fell for her. It’s totally worse with this one.My heart pounds and my head feels light. My stomach churns and I feel like a total fool. I want to be in her presence constantly and I dream about her each night. But she’s not available and if she was I’m married. She’s probably the most wonderful person I ever met and I have no more chance with her than with the job I lost to him.
So please let me know, I’m going crazy, right? Everything is a total mess and I just can’t get above it. I want to run but have no place to go. I stared at my rifle for a long time tonight and all I could think of was that it would hurt too bad and if I did it here, too many people would get too much satisfaction out of it. I couldn’t do it with any other weapon because you know I’m really chicken when it comes to pain. And I’m afraid that if I really did go through with it, my insurance wouldn’t pay off to my wife. Then again, she’s probably buy that Mercedes and long forget about how she got it. Besides, there are people at home that I would like to see just one more time before leave to let them know how much I love them. Plus, there’s her.
Oh how I’d love to take her to the woods on a camping trip. I’d build a big fire in front of the tent and we’d have supper. Then I would hold her hand and talk to her and tell her how wonderful she is to me. Then at bedtime I’d unroll our sleeping bag and lay down beside her and cuddle close to her. And then to wake up the next morning with the warm sun shining through the tent flaps into my eyes, smelling the sweet aroma of the forest and feeling her all warm and cozy snuggled against my side. If you’ve got that in heaven, I’ll do anything to get there.
Give my love to your son,
God
Dear God News